Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Three Ideas to Provide Care from a Distance

A good friend of mine was driving an hour and a half each week to visit her mother, who lived in a distant city. This may not seem like much; however, consider that hour and a half becomes three hours for the round trip and this accounts for a good percentage of each day. Travelling time is just one of the many problems associated with caregiving from a distance ... even a seemingly short distance, when driven regularly, can snowball to become dramatic.

If your parents live elsewhere, you can expect to still visit occasionally; however, there are many things you can do from your own home base, thus saving on time, fuel costs and unnecessary wear and tear on your vehicle. Here are a number of my recommendations:

1) Connect with your parent's friends and neighbours. Share phone numbers/e-mail addresses. A person living right next door to your parents can become a trusted source of information. He/she can become that critical extra set of eyes and ears and provide updates to you on a regular basis.

2) Look at volunteer opportunities for your parents. Should Mom and/or Dad remain competent, they can help out with a needy cause. When my parents were living at a distance from me, they volunteered for the local Meals-on-Wheels program (which provides pre-cooked meals to those who are housebound). Doing this benefitted my parents in several ways: they remained active (both personally and in the community), they got to learn their way around their (then-new) retirement home, they felt involved and they met other city residents.

3) Hire part-time help. Can you employ a local individual to do some light cooking and/or cleaning for your parents? Perhaps someone could mow the lawn or shovel the walks? Maybe someone could even come in once or twice per week to accompany your parent out on an hour-long walk? Having someone in place for even a couple of hours per week will help you and your parent. And the best part? When you come to visit, you can send your care worker out on necessary errands. This will free up your time and you can spend more quality hours with your parent - and isn't that what matters the most?

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Working with the Family

You may have bickered incessently with your own brother or sister when growing up; however, when it comes to caregiving, there is nothing like having a sibling to share the work load. Caregiving can easily become overwhelming for anyone - it just makes sense to delegate. I feel fortunate that I have two sisters; when it came time for us to help our parents, our trio worked quite well together.

Having an open conversation about all of this will help. Discuss specific roles with eachother ... identify who will do what. Obviously, if a family member has an interest or experience in a certain area, he/she will be drawn to that area. Let this happen, by all means. It simply makes the most sense for someone to utilize his/her strengths effectively. If a family member feels uncomfortable with serving in a certain position, do not force this upon him/her. This typically leads to resentful caregivers - something you definitely do not need. If there is a caregiving chore which is being ignored by everybody, can you find someone else to do this instead? Another option would be to share those disliked duties amongst the family so that each sibling takes a turn.

Check in with your siblings regarding your own workload regularly. Are you comfortable with doing what you are doing? Is this becoming too unmanageable?

I must give special recognition to the only children in this world - those without brothers or sisters. Caregiving for only children can become even more arduous, as they have no immediate support system. In this case, only children must become even more aware of outside individuals, businesses and services available to help them. Remember, whether you have siblings or are an only child, seek respite time. Getting away from the situation is necessary. You cannot do it all.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Parking the Car - Permanently

It is one of the most contentious issues between an aging parent and a family caregiver ... driving. Just when should a senior give up the car keys?

Legally, one must consider one's own provincial/territorial legislation - part of which will be to ensure public safety on all public roads and highways. Emotionally, it is a completely different matter! After a lifetime of driving a much-loved vehicle, seniors don't often feel obliging to simply parking the car - permanently. However, for the safety of your parent, yourself and other motorists and pedestrians, you must step in.

Depending on your own city / town, there are often numerous transportation alternatives for a senior: family members acting as chaffeurs, taxis, public transit and senior's driving services. You must seek out these options and convince your parent that these are viable choices. Expect your parent to remain stubborn - winning this argument is much like a parent convincing a child to finish eating his/her vegetables. This will take both resourcefulness and creativity on your part. If you need some help getting started, here are a few proven suggestions:

Disregard your parent's age when making this decision. How old Mom or Dad is currently is of little importance ... the primary concern will be his/her abilities behind the steering wheel.

Enlist your loved one's doctor or the local police department. Such professionals are more frequently listened to than family caregivers.

Supply Mom or Dad a set of non-functioning car keys. This may seem a little devious; however, you can guarantee that the parental car will never leave the garage or driveway without your knowing about it.

Sell the parental car. List this privately or offer it to a second-hand vehicle dealer. When the time came for my mother to stop driving, I returned her (then new!) car to the dealer where she had purchased this just a couple of months prior. The dealer was delighted to take this car back as it remained in premium condition and had very low mileage.

Present your case as a collective body. If you can discuss this issue with other siblings present, do so. It may help you actually rehearse what you are going to say (role play!) and remember not to "gang up" on your parent.

Change your focus. Instead of arguing with Mom or Dad that they cannot drive anymore (an argument you will rarely win ...), approach the discussion more calmly. Explain that you are worried for their safety ... how can Mom or Dad disbelieve that?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Choosing a Long-Term Care Facility

Choosing a long-term care facility for your parent requires great care on your part. Understand first that all long-term care facilities throughout our country are not created equally; clarify that the property you are considering is appropriate for your own mother or father. To begin with, your parent(s) may function quite well living somewhat independentally; however, he/she may have to be moved into a continuing care property where more extensive care services will be provided. Although researching such facilities may be trying, you must physically tour these properties, ask questions and be comfortable with your own decision. Here are a few considerations to keep in mind:

Cost: Your parent's care may become very expensive. What does care cost at each property? Can this cost be subsidized, based on your parent's income? How much does extra care (i.e. a private room) add to the price?

Location: You and your family will want convenient access to visit. Consider the neighbourhood - is the facility close to shopping, a doctor's office, coffee shops and/or a park? If you are not driving, ensure that you can still easily access the facility by public transit (is this bus service more limited on evenings and/or weekends?). Family caregivers who own vehicles should evaluate the availability of visitor parking on-site.

Building appearance and upkeep: Scan the exterior of each facility as you approach it. Could the building use a fresh coat of paint? Do trees and/or hedges need trimming? In the wintertime, are the sidewalks cleared of ice and snow? When entering the facility, be aware of how clean it is. Are there any spills or unpleasant odors? By all means, explore the less-travelled areas (e.g. kitchens, public washrooms and/or stairwells) to confirm these are not ignored by either housekeeping or maintenance staff.

Care staff to resident ratio: How many care staff are on-duty during the day and how many residents is each responsible for? Note that the number of paid care staff can decline overnight when residents are likely sleeping. While assessing this ratio, also ask about the expertise of the staff. How familiar is the staff with your own parent's health condition?

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Respecting Respite

Caregivers are recognized for the care they provide to others; however, they often overlook their own self-care in the process. Perhaps a caregiver feels that he/she is too busy to take a break or feels irresponsible for doing so. Taking some personal time is not a selfish act; it is, in fact, crucial for caregivers as a means to maintain their own good emotional, mental and physical health. The question often asked is, "How can you, as a caregiver, effectively and properly take care of a loved one when you fail to effectively and properly take care of yourself?"

Taking a break is called respite. You can do anything during this time, as long it is something you enjoy. This will be your own personal "me" time. Respite breaks do not have to be long or expensive ... here are three quick ideas:

Go for a Walk: There is nothing like fresh air and exercise to clear one's head. You don't even have to have a destination in-mind. By all means, do not use inclement weather as an excuse to not get outside. Walking has to be one of the simplest and most cost-effective means of exercise ... all you need is a good pair of shoes and you are ready to go.

Get Together with Friends: Note that I said "friends" here and not "family". Should you socialize with your family, the topic of conversation could easily swing back to parental issues. You will want to avoid this. Whatever you speak of with friends, make sure you dialogue about anything but your own caregiving responsibilities.

Read: Do not read up on your parent's health condition. Instead, choose your own favourite author or genre. When I was seeking respite time during my caregiving years, I always enjoyed curling in in my favourite coffee shop and reading the daily newspaper.

As you can see, planning respite breaks is not difficult. In fact, the easier you make your own respite time, the easier it will be to commit to this. Take an hour - regularly - for yourself. You will return to caregiving less stressed and far happier. Once again, taking time for you is not a selfish act.
Related Posts with Thumbnails