Remembering Dad

The favourite steaming cup of coffee - "Hot as hell and black as mud", as he used to describe it ... the family skiing and hiking trips ... the reading of stories out loud at bedtime ... these are among my memories of my father. Dad succumbed to Alzheimer's disease and passed away on June 20, 2004 at 79.

Although Alzheimer's steals memories and transforms an individual into a shell of who he/she once was, Dad always remained his dignified, patient self. But watching the condition gradually take my father away from me remains as one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. I often say that I lost father twice - once when he forgot who I was and again when he died.

As a quiet man, Dad didn't share much of his life -even with his own family. What I do know is that he was born as an only child and his own father died when Dad was quite young. Dad always loved books and grew to share his passion as a University English professor. I still regret not knowing more and never thinking to ask until his final years when it was too late ... by then, Dad had lost his ability to speak. Alzheimer's disease turned out to be a blessing in disguise ... the condition knocked down Dad's thick walls of privacy and revealed him for who he really was - a caring, generous but reserved man.

Thank you Dad for sharing what you did with me - my gifts from him include his favourite walking hat, an admiration of mountains and a love of writing.

The Changing Significance of Holidays

Holidays take on a completely different meaning after a loved one passes. I am reminded of this with Father's Day fast-approaching. Father's Day was the last day I saw Dad alive ... the family had a nice dinner with him and he seemed to be in good health and in good spirits. We walked him back to his room afterward and I hugged him good-bye (how was I to know that this would be the final hug I would ever give him?). The very next night I received an unexpected and tragic phone call from the LPN on-duty at Dad's continuing care centre to explain that Dad had just died ... care staff were putting him to bed and he appeared to have a stroke.

So, as many others celebrate their fathers on Father's Day, I am routinely reminded of his death. I don't write this to solicit pity ... it is simply an observation that Father's Day has become far more for me than giving Dad a tacky tie. I continue to honour and remember Dad and offer this advice to you to do the same when the time comes. While the memories of Mom/Dad will long remain, your life will continue. Grieving, as I have heard and believe, is a personal process and cannot be rushed.

So, how can you remember and honour your loved one on holidays? The choice remains yours but here are a few suggestions:

Partake in something your loved one enjoyed. With Dad always appreciating a good walk, I will likely get out and stretch my legs for a while. What did your parent love to do? Can you continue this tradition?

Read old letters. Did you save old correspondence between you and your parent(s)? If so, you can dig out these old letters. By reading them again, you can remember the special times.

Donate to a charity. Was there a cause near and dear to your own mother's/father's heart? If so, make a donation in your parent's name.

Remember: Take some time to visit with your other family members to recall and share stories from the past. Dad liked to read out loud to me and my sisters ... with this story being frequently told, it speaks volumes as to the importance of this activity for each of us.

Create new traditions. While you can keep many of the family traditions, why not introduce new ones? I am thinking more of Christmas right now when another family member could carve the roasted turkey.

Holidays do not have to be filled with sorrow. When you are ready to do so, look at ways to create new memories and make those holidays more joyful.

Keeping an Eye On the Little Things

I would like to stress that that even a "continuing care" facility does not provide "complete" care for your aging mother or father. Facility staff will be far too busy to tend to many of the little things, so please do not assume these will be done for you. Many of these smaller comforts will be left up to you to manage. In addition to the multiple tasks you are already juggling, here a few additional responsibilities that you may wish to consider:

Doing laundry: Yes, continuing care facilities do offer laundry service, but you may wish to launder fine washables yourself. This way you can avoid any possible accidents where a sweater, for example, might get accidentally tossed in a dryer and shrink. When you do such laundry yourself at home, you can ensure that clothing can be hung dry instead.

Fluffing pillows: Is Mom or Dad's bed pillow looking a little "used"? Check on this during your next visit and "fluff up" that pillow for increased comfort.

Cleaning out hairbrushes and/or razors: Excessive hair can build up in either and make the brush or razor unusable. Take a few minutes to pull out or brush out the hair. While doing this, you can also check the razor blades and batteries (if this is a cordless model of shaver) to make sure neither needs to be replaced.

Dusting: My family had supplied my father with a small bookshelf for his room. We thought that with Dad being a former English professor, the bookshelf would provide some familiarity. With the facility care staff being too busy to do so, I regularly dusted this bookshelf. On a related note, we also hired a handyman to install small wheels on the base of this bookshelf; by doing so, the shelf (even when fully loaded) could be easily rolled away to be swept behind.