Are You Prepared for Caregiving?

With our country’s rapidly aging population, the day may well come when you must provide (or help to provide) care for an aging parent/friend/partner. Regrettably, many potential caregivers completely disregard this fact and are caught unaware. I speak from personal experience as I once thought that both Mom and Dad were the pictures of good health. Maybe so at one time; however, getting older is a fact of life and as we age, our health can decline.

The road from maintaining good health to requiring complete medical care and placement in a long-term care facility isn’t easy for either a senior or a family caregiver. Family members must take on new responsibilities as caregivers, balance their own lives and watch as Mom/Dad mentally and physically weakens. If remaining cognitively aware, Mom/Dad may realize that they are losing their prized independence and must hand over much of that control to their children. Whether it is his/her own car keys or complete decision-making ability, nobody, young or old, likes to give up something he/she knows and loves. You can make this process easier for all parties involved with getting ready.

Prepare Yourself Emotionally. As a caregiver, your emotions will run the gamut. When Dad was in his care home, there were days I laughed, cried, felt frustrated and didn’t even know what to feel. Often, there is nothing a caregiver can do but stand by and helplessly watch. Whether the process is slow or quick, losing a loved one (or even the thought of losing this special person) can be immensely challenging and rightly so – you are losing someone you love and care for deeply. To better manage, build yourself a strong support circle; these will be the people you know and trust the most. Most importantly, they will be empathetic to your situation. Support groups, offered through senior’s organizations and health associations, can be another option. These will provide a safe environment where caregivers can share and learn from each other. Admitting to yourself, and others, that you need help — from whatever source — at this time is not a sign of personal weakness.

Examine Your Own Family’s Medical History. Did a great-grandmother have cancer or did a great-grandfather suffer from heart disease? If the ailment is hereditary, another relative may be stricken with the same condition. Before Mom/Dad ends up requiring eldercare, take some time to learn about the specific condition. Search the Internet (be wary of the source of information – what are the writer’s credentials?), visit your local library or, best of all, ask your family doctor what to expect.

Read the Will. Many of the most difficult decisions may have already been made by a senior when he/she was better able to do so. While acting on these requests can become intense, you and your siblings can find comfort in that you do not have to decide what might be best for a dependent adult who may not be able to decide what is best for him/her. Having a set route to take greatly reduces the anxiety and potential squabbling between family members who are trying to decide what may be most appropriate.

Moving and Downsizing a Parent

When the time comes to move Mom/Dad into a retirement home, you will have to downsize and declutter. Care home resident rooms are considerably smaller than a former home and completely lack the storage space available in a garage, attic or basement. With a lifetime of prized parental possessions stockpiled, how do you best cut back?

Filter through your loved one’s possessions and set aside any items spoken for by family members. Mom/Dad’s old couch could find new life with a younger child just moving out. Once siblings have been designated certain mementoes, look for new homes for other possessions. Perhaps Dad’s collection of books could be sold to a used-book dealer (give the proceeds to a recognized charity) or donated to a local library?

You will have no argument from me that doing this can be intensely difficult. Great sentimental value can be attached to any number of parental belongings. As care homes in any city/town do not provide a great deal of space for residents though, purging becomes necessary. Start small and work your way up from there. Be patient with yourself and others as you are faced with making some very difficult emotional decisions.

If you cannot come to a satisfactory decision immediately as to what to do with something belonging to Mom/Dad, that’s okay. Just delegate a family member to make a decision by a certain date. Without a deadline, you may well stall coming to any conclusion. Another option for you could be to consider a professional senior’s moving service. Here, the company’s staff can pack and move a parent without becoming emotionally involved.

What will effectively fit into Mom/Dad’s new elderly home? What will remain useful? A deep plush armchair, for example, may have been once very comfortable but now may trap a senior who will not, necessarily, have the strength to push him/herself upright. Replace that armchair with a more practical lift chair, which smoothly raises and lowers the senior. Such lift chairs come in many different styles; get the model and size of chair which best suits your loved one. Consider also if something has additional value. When my family moved my father into his long-term care home, we provided a small bookshelf which not only housed a few precious books but also family photographs. We asked a local carpenter to install small wheels in the bookshelf base so it could be rolled away for ease of sweeping and mopping underneath.

Resist the urge to simply pack everything away in a paid storage facility as monthly fees can quickly add up and become an increased financial burden. Items out of sight are not necessarily out of mind. Additionally, do not squeeze everything into your own garage, basement or attic. You may need some time to make some difficult emotional decisions (as to what to do with Mom/Dad’s “stuff”); however, this does not mean that you should hang onto these items permanently. Retaining parental belongings can, in fact, delay your healthy grieving process as you will have constant reminders.