Advocating for a Senior

How would you feel if you could not speak or function for yourself? Frustrated? Angry? Confused? This is exactly what happens with many seniors who cannot manage their own affairs. At such times, others must become actively involved to ensure the senior receives the best care and quality of life possible. My own father lost not only his memories but also his ability to talk due to Alzheimer’s disease. This left me to serve as his eyes, ears and voice and to advocate for him.

Advocating, while sounding complex and daunting, doesn’t have to be. Here are just a few of my recommendations, taken from my personal caregiving experience:

Apply for Guardianship or Trusteeship: These are legal processes which allow someone to manage a dependent adult’s affairs. Please note that Guardianship and Trusteeship are NOT one and the same thing … Guardianship will allow you to manage a senior’s personal affairs (i.e. accommodation, care providers, etc.) while Trusteeship will allow you to manage a senior’s financial affairs. Having Guardianship does not automatically grant you Trusteeship and vice versa. If considering either option, my best advice here is to get legal counsel; doing so will better ensure that all the “I’s” are dotted and “T’s’ are crossed correctly. As a Guardian or Trustee, it can be a good idea to keep spare copies of the court orders handy (maybe even scan and save these on your computer at home so you can print off a copy, whenever required).

Ask Questions: Of doctors, lawyers, bankers, financial planners, pharmacists, social workers and anybody else involved with your loved one’s care. Remember when advocating for a senior, there is no such thing as a foolish question and clarifying information provided has to be one of the easiest things to do. Ask until you completely understand and don’t let any matter escape without being fully explained. As a former co-caregiver, I made it a practice to always carry a notebook and pen to every appointment I would accompany Mom and/Dad to. I noted responses and returned to these later to ensure complete understanding. You could also carry a small digital tape recorder in your car. Take a few moments immediately following each appointment (so that you don’t miss anything), to record thoughts and/or comments shared.

Peer Into the Parental Closet: You’re not looking for any skeletons here! Instead, you are examining how well the long-term care staff cleans the area (it may be an easy spot to be “out-of-sight’ and “out-of-mind”). While your parent’s room may be swept and mopped regularly, unhealthy germs can still collect in a dirty closet and pose risk to your loved one. Don’t just stop at glancing into the closet(s)! Look at the care facility’s public washroom, stairwells and foodservice areas as well.

Plan Sporadic Visits: Years ago, when Dad was still alive, I would stop in to see him every Sunday afternoon, like clockwork, to see him. But I certainly didn’t stop there! My visits also came at intermittent times throughout the week as well. Through my random visits, I felt better able to see any inconsistencies with my father’s care (or even the care of other residents). Schedule a visit or two around resident meal time. Breakfast, lunch or dinner can be a hectic time at a care facility … is your loved one eating a full meal and/or getting any help necessary?

Monitor Your Loved One’s Appearance: While you may not have the necessary medical experience to completely diagnose a physical problem, it can be quite easy to observe a person in any discomfort. Watch for pained facial expressions, limping, unsteadiness or unexplained bruising. In addition, does Mom/Dad get a regular bath? This is vital for a person’s own hygiene and comfort. I also routinely examined my father’s chin stubble to confirm he had been shaved.

Insist on Regular Updates: Keep the communication lines between you and your loved one’s care facility open. If Mom/Dad needs to be moved to a different room for any reason or requires a change in medical prescription, you’ll want to know. Provide all means of available contact (i.e. landline phone, cellular phone, e-mail, etc.) so you can be reached at any time.

Meet with Long-Term Care Facility Management: At Dad’s long-term care facility, my family was able to schedule meetings with the facility management to talk about Dad’s health, pose questions and, if necessary, air grievances. Should there be any issues raised, take steps to better protect you and your loved one and create a paper trail. Following each meeting with long-term care management, write a letter reiterating what has been discussed and when. Include any advice/plan of action suggested. Mail/E-mail a copy while keeping a copy for your own files. If no such arrangement exists for you, speak up and make a recommendation. Talk to other family caregivers who may echo your thoughts.

Finding Joy in Caregiving

It can be the poor quality of food in a restaurant, the cold weather outside or the slow customer service in a store. Humans naturally complain about many things, rather than compliment. It is human nature to prefer to share the bad news over the good, and caregiving is no different.

When providing eldercare for an aging parent, spouse or friend, many negative feelings, including anger, grief, regret, frustration and sadness can easily bubble to the surface. These emotions are the ones typically talked about and associated with caregiving and for good reason - they are both difficult and undeniable. No matter what level of eldercare you are providing and who you are caring for, one must remember that there are also numerous benefits to providing eldercare – many of these may never fully realized until after a person has passed away. Here are just a few positive examples:

Increased Time Management Skills: There is nothing like looking after another individual’s needs to help you with your own time management. You may learn to allow more time for certain appointments to allow you and your aging parent more opportunity to reach these offices or book neighbouring appointments located within the same vicinity on the same afternoon (so as to keep driving time to a minimum). You may also gain a better understanding of how much allotted time is necessary for tasks. What can be done in 20 minutes and what needs a couple of hours to complete?

Better Organizational Abilities: Similar to the above, working hands-on with an aging senior can improve your own organizational abilities. When faced with juggling the many associated tasks, along with the balancing act required with your own life and family, providing eldercare can help you become a far better multi-tasker. For example, I moved from using sticky notes for everything to developing a dedicated filing system for my parents’ needs. Taking this one step further, I even colour-coded the files … blue for healthcare, red for financial and so on – trust me, this was a far better system!

Enhanced Family Dynamics: Should you be working with siblings while providing eldercare, doing this can create an excellent opportunity to better bond with a brother or sister. Improved communications between siblings is another related aspect here … you must learn to compromise for the sake of your parent. Remember, when the family is arguing about Mom or Dad’s personal affairs, nothing gets done. Caregiving can become a family’s greatest gift, in the fact that, by sharing the workload, you may better bond with a sibling.

Improved Relationships with the Senior: Decreasing physical and mental health doesn’t have to be a drawback. My own father’s Alzheimer’s disease, for example, allowed me to become closer with him. Dad was always an intensely private man; however, his dementia knocked down those protective walls he had built up around him and allowed me in. For the first time ever, I was able to hug Dad and hear his approval. If your parent remains able to communicate, he/she may open up to you and tell you about issues once held private.

Increased Self-Awareness: Just what are your own capabilities as a caregiver? When helping an aging senior, there is no shortage of accompanying responsibilities. You may provide day-to-day support as a Guardian or report on financial matters as a Trustee. You may shuttle Mom or Dad to doctor’s appointments, pick up medications, offer a manicure/pedicure or provide your parent a bath. When you can accomplish something (specifically something outside your own comfort zone), it can make you a stronger and more self-confident individual.

A Better Realization of What is Most Important: Providing care to a senior can be overwhelming at times. When you can delegate caring to another individual, you can take a break for yourself. Even if this is only 30 minutes having coffee with a good friend or soaking in a soothing bubble bath, you may be able to stop and provide yourself some much-needed self-care. With recognizing how important self-care is, you may be better able to continue to practice this in the future. 

A Sense of Payback: After so many years of Mom or Dad caring for you, you may feel pleased to now return the favour. Do not consider this as your “obligation” … instead, consider this as your “right”.

So, yes, there are irrefutable negatives associated with caregiving; however, as you can see, there are also many joys. When you reserve that dinner table at a new restaurant, step outside on a chilly winter’s day or go shopping, you should be looking ahead with anticipation, rather than dread. Do right by your mother, father, friend or spouse and know the same can be said for providing eldercare.